The  Soundtrack of Our Lives
by GGAddict129
Summary: As those moments happen, the music begins to play. A Rufus/Lily fanfiction.


The Soundtrack of Our Lives

I. Rufus and Lily

Music is inspiration. Music is the _words_ we are afraid to **say**. Music is expression. Music is _**love**_. Music is _hate_. Music is moving. Music is silent. Music is deep. Music is **m**e_aning_**f**ul. Music captures **m**o**m**e**n**t**s**. Music is heartbreak. Music heals. _**Music is life.**_

(obtained from )

/lʌv/

When Rufus chose Allison over me, one song came to mind. It was the one song that could reduce me to tears because it was so extremely suitable for Rufus and my situation. It had been on that traumatic thanksgiving day. I had arrived at the loft unannounced and unexpected. I'll admit my feelings were initially of excitement and slight anxiousness. The truth was that I didn't know how I felt about Rufus. We had a past. A past which couldn't be denied. I had thought it would be a little exciting to see Rufus, yet pretending we did not know each other well. The truth was Rufus knew every part of me, literally. We had once been in love. Sometimes when I would look back on life and wonder when everything became so complicated I would always end up thinking about Rufus: the man I'd let slip away from me. He'd ended up getting hitched to Allison, which tore me apart. Allison and I had **never** gotten along. I first met Allison at one of Rufus's concerts. He and I had been dating at the time. I could sense Allison's strong fixation on him. Naturally I was jealous. He was mine. At the time, he was honest-to-god my everything. She would wear tight shirts; tight skirts while sticking out her boobs and so obviously flirting with him. Rufus ignored every one of her advances. He was oblivious to her. I'm not being arrogant when I announce that Rufus only had eyes for me. Just as he was my everything, I was his everything. When I found out Rufus had married Allison I broke down. I'll never own up to it, but immediately upon learning this, my heart swelled with an intense sadness and for the first time in a long time I spent my day pouring my eyes out. William, my husband at the time, didn't understand why I was upset. I've always wondered if he ever found out why I was so heart-wrenchingly distressed. I spent the day in my bedroom with the doors locked, going through Rufus and my old photographs. I probably could have filled the entire state of Texas with the tears I cried. The fact that he had married the one person I detested made everything ten times worse. Eventually I began to run close to the same circle as Allison and I confess I made her life miserable. I reminded her every chance that the only reason Rufus was with her was because he couldn't have me. I was so distraught by their relationship that I had wanted to make her as miserable as I felt. I didn't want Rufus to be happy. Not if he couldn't be happy with me. My conscience knew that I had no right to feel this way. I had let him go. I had ruined our relationship, but I couldn't help myself. Even knowing how wrong it is, I continued upsetting her and making jabs here and there about how much better I was and how much more attached Rufus and I had been. It wasn't so shocking I hated her. Could one really blame me? Was I supposed to adore the person who was married to the man I truly loved? So when I walked into Rufus's home to see Allison there, I felt as if someone had slapped me across the face. I hadn't been prepared. Nor was I happy. It brought the memories of my past rushing back to her. Rufus and I had begun to get closer once again. I couldn't tell you how I felt about him exactly. All I knew was that the feelings I had once had for him were being unearthed once again. That's why Allison's abrupt arrival made me die inside once again. It wasn't the first time Allison h come between us. That song described this situation so well.

_I don't wanna talk about things we've gone through. _

I never was one for sharing my feelings. In the recent years I'd put up a façade that allowed no one to see through me. I didn't want to sit here and argue with Rufus about our past or about our future. Because, honestly, what was the point?

_Though it's hurting me_

God, was it hurting me. He was the only man that knew how to hurt me, yet he was also the only man that didn't want to.

_Now it's history. _

What was the point in dredging up the past?

_I've played all my cards and that's what you've done too. Nothing more to say. No more ace to play. _

How many times could someone try to fix something that kept breaking? Our relationship had never been easy, but what could I do about that? Allison was here now. I couldn't change that.

_The winner takes it all. The loser standing small beside the victory that's her destiny. _

Rufus was the winner. He wasn't hurting like I was hurting right now. Allison was the winner. She had Rufus. I was the loser. Who did I have? I didn't have anyone to come home to tell me that they loved me or to give me cheesy flowers. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. This wasn't the first time things with Rufus hadn't gone my way.

_I was in your arms thinking I belonged there. I figured it made sense building me a fence, building me a home. Thinking I'd be strong there. But I was fool playing by the rules. _

I certainly was a fool. I was a fool to have ever pictured the fantasy life. Loving wife who patiently prepares a delicious home cooked meal while awaiting the return of her loving and doting husband. As he walks in the door he takes her in his arms and kisses her. It's a kiss of comfortable kind of affection. A kiss that simply says I'm so glad you're in my life. A kiss that speaks without speaking. A kiss which informs the loving wife that he missed her. A kiss to tell her there's no where he'd rather be then here with her. He enjoys the delicious dinner all the while commenting how fabulous of a cook she is. He looks at her adoringly, taking in the fact that he's so blessed to have her in his life. They have the life. The picket-fence life. The life a little girl always imagines when she grows up. But it's foolish to ever think that that's a possibility. I admit that I thought that that was what Rufus and I would one day have. I pictured us living in a pretty white house with black shutters and flowerbeds with lilies, my favorite flowers. It wasn't a big house, not a mansion or anything frivolous like that. Despite my luxurious background, I hadn't pictured me and Rufus living in anything extraordinary. What I pictured was happiness, as we sat contently on the porch drinking coffee and laughing at each other. The white picket fence entrapping the backyard that our darling children would one day play in. The fantasy was the rules. The rules which she was a fool to think were actually obtainable.

_The gods may through the dice, their minds as cold as ice. And someone way down here loses someone dear. _

How much I would love to blame the gods for the reason he and I weren't together. But how could I do that? When part of me had always hoped we were meant to be. I remembered once thinking that fate and destiny were what our love was.

_The winner takes it all. The loser has to fall. It's simple and it's plain. Why should I complain? _

Why should I complain? What was the point? It was black and white. There was no gray. I was the loser falling and breaking my heart, a heart that had once been scarred and scabbed over.

_But tell me does she kiss the way I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? _

Did he tell her the same things he had once told me? I remember a time when he told me he'd never love anyone else.

_Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you. But what can I say? Rules must be obeyed. _

I missed him and I wondered if he knew that. It wasn't unusual for him to know exactly what I felt. It was as if he could see right through me. He always had a knack for being able to tell if he'd said something to upset me. I wondered if he knew that I missed him like crazy.

_The judges will decide. The likes of me abide. Spectators of the shore always staying low. _

I wished someone else could decide. Could just tell me if all this heartbreak was worth it? Or was someone else out there for me? I'd been divorced three times and dated a countless number of men, but I still hoped that there was someone that would even compare one tenth to Rufus.

_The game is on again: A lover or a friend? A big thing or a small? The winner takes it all! _

He did hesitate in his choice, I know that. I couldn't pretend that he didn't have some feelings for me. When I asked him to define what we are I desperately wished he had finished his sentence. "These past few weeks have been…" and he'd stopped, leaving me to guess and twist and turn at night over what he could have possibly meant.

_I don't wanna talk if it makes you feel bad. _

The last thing I wanted was pity or making him feel terrible for his decision.

_And I understand you've come to shake my hand. _

I did understand. I understood that he had to for his children sake. He had to take the safe option because what if he ruined his family life and whatever we had between us didn't work out?

_I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense, no self-confidence. _

Confidence was something I always possessed. I always held my composure in any situation. I hadn't shed a single tear in all my divorces or bad-breakups, except Rufus. It was unnerving when someone saw me cry or without any confidence.

_But you see, the winner takes it all. _

And he had taken it all. All of my heart.

Song Used: ABBA ~ The Winner Takes it All

Not my characters. I own nothing. 3

I'd be pleased if you'd leave me a comment.

If not, thank you for reading ! 3


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